Love Over Moon Street

I have always wanted the kind of community where there were lots of lesbians creating their unique lives. At 33 Moon Street I created a cast of quirky characters who live in an old apartment house. Four women find friendship, community, laughter, and tears as they get through the messiness of love with compassion and just a tad of revenge. Someone asked me once if writing comedy was hard. I thought about it and came up with not if you’re funny. My stuff comes out amusing whether I want it to or not. I am the original laugh at a funeral kind of gal. I have defective self-censorship button. I don’t even know what I’m going to say before I say it. Thankfully, writing helps the situation, and this is the result. Have fun and enjoy.

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CHASE IS BACK IN THE HOUSE

When I first wrote Family Affair, I did not intend it to be a series. As characters are wont to do Chase kept tugging at my pencil. She wanted more. She wanted her life with Gitana and their wee one, Bud, to continue. I’m glad she did. Writing this series has been a joy for me.

I’ve missed Chase and company. It’s nice to see her back up, rising like the Phoenix with wonderful new covers.

If you haven’t read the series, the present is always a good time. You can expect a laugh extravaganza.

Trigger warning: Do not eat or drink anything when you read these because it could be a choking hazard. It has also been pointed out that reading while on public transportation is also not advised.

Click here to find the series on Amazon.

Happy reading and if you like it, please leave a review. It’s much appreciated.

SAX IS BACK

I love sitting by the fire roasting marshmallows. Some of them would be perfectly brown and the others flaming torches kind of like life. Full of wonderful moments of satisfaction and flaming torches. I got burned, my life turned upside down, and I survived. I’m that way–knock me down, sniffle, I get back up, repeat. Then, I learned to let go. Think of a tug-a-war, it doesn’t work if you let go of the end. I have a new life. I am the phoenix rising from the flame with some bumps and bruises but definitely able to fly.

I’ve started a new company Wingnut Publishing and will be releasing my favorite books beginning with Family Affair. New stuff is on the way and I’m super excited about it. I hope you will be, too. If you haven’t had a chance to read my books, now is a good time.

I’m taking those flaming marshmallows and building a very large fire. From the fire a phoenix is rising. I survived and I plan on thriving. The Sax is back.

We all have a screw loose now and then.

PHONE PHOBIA

 

I’ve been terrified of the phone since I was a child. I look around at my family and I seem to be the only one cursed with the phobia. It’s evidently a recessive trait.

I was only nine-years-old when my phobia first showed itself. I discovered this when I began to schedule my own play dates. We didn’t use the phone much in those days. If you wanted to go play with your friends, you simply went to each other’s house and asked if your friend could come out and play. The rules were pretty relaxed back then. We definitely had a lot more freedom in those days. But I digress…

Before I made a call, I would write out my lines on an index card. I would dial, and while I waited for the person to answer, my heart pounded in my ears. Once the mother answered I said, “May I please speak with Suzie?”

Her mother said, “Sure, honey. I’ll go get her.” It seemed like an eternity while I waited. My palms would be sweaty. Finally, Suzie picked up and I read from my index card, “Hello, Suzy. This is Saxon. I was wondering if you’d like to go to the movies on Saturday?” (This was made all the more awkward because I had a crush on Suzie.)

I waited for Suzie’s response, on the verge of a panic attack. What if she said no, or she rolled her eyes? That was the  problem with the phone, you couldn’t see people’s expressions.

“Let me go ask,” Suzie said. I heard her cover the phone and ask, “Mom, can I go to the movies with Saxon on Saturday?”

I heard her mom say, “Sure.”

I sighed heavily, so relieved that I accidentally hung up the phone. I stared down at the phone in its cradle. Now, I would have to call her back. I forgot to give her any particulars like time, place, or movie. And worse, Suzie will think I hung up on her.

The phone rang. Suzie didn’t even say hello. She asked what time we’re going.

“One fifteen,” I managed to squeak.

“K, bye.” She hung up.

Things haven’t gotten much better since then. I still dread making a phone call, even now that I’m a grownup. I dial and wait for the person to answer. My heart pounds and my mouth goes dry. When they answer my mind is wiped completely clean. I have no idea what to say. I’ve completely forgotten the power of speech.

It’s a good thing I’m a writer, huh?

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THE DAILY LIFE OF MISTER BEANS

“What are you doing?” Layce asked. This question gets asked a lot in our house and the response is not usually normal.

I was consulting my watch, noting the time and entering it in a small notepad I’d taken to carrying around. “I’m charting Mister Beans’s daily schedule.”

“Maybe it’s time for you to go to Washington.”

“Why?” I asked, as I followed Mister Beans into the kitchen. He glanced over his shoulder, put his ears back—his annoyed gesture—and went for a snack.

“Because you’ve obviously got cabin fever.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You’re following the cat around and taking notes. That’s cabin fever taking hold.”

“Don’t you find it interesting how he spends his day?”

“No.”

I ignored her. I flipped through my notes and began to read. “This is what I have so far.”

6:47 Get humans up by knocking on the door and meowing in a loud and annoying way, indicating my needs are not being met.

7:30 Leg rubs to mark humans as my property. Sit on recliner arms which need to be larger. Bat at hands to stop fingers moving on keyboard thing. Step on keyboard.

7:45 Do business, throw litter all over floor. Sit and observe human scooping up fecal matter.

7:50 Go to bathroom sink and demand water from faucet. Human must wait until I’m finished to turn off water. Very satisfying.

8:00 Wait until human has sat down, demand treat. Use intense eye contact until human relents.

8:05 Take a nap.

“That’s as far as I’ve gotten.”

Layce snatched the pad away. “No more. It’s an invasion of his privacy to be under surveillance without a court order.”

Mister Beans stalked off, tail in the air. I hate when he thinks he’s right. “We’re not done here,” I threatened.

Only love can satisfy a hungry heart

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TO SHAVE OR NOT TO SHAVE

 

I have to shave my legs every single day or they could sand paint off a car. I shave for my own self-preservation. I want to avoid flaying my inner thighs. I don’t shave for political or cultural reasons.

My first experience under the daily razor came after a public shaming, which touched my psyche so deep that I abhor wearing dresses to this day. I talked my mom into buying me this hideous yellow, brown and blue plaid short skirt. It was so bad that if I could go back in time, I would tell myself to just pass on by. Do not purchase that skirt! I would also include a warning to rethink that unfortunate perm I got when I was twenty. I should’ve thought to write myself a letter to be opened in the future to apologize to my older self for these unfortunate fashion choices.

But I digress. I wore my new skirt with aplomb. I also had to put on pantyhose because according to the rules of fashion they were imperative when wearing a dress. I felt so grown up putting them on, sliding them across my calves and thighs. I tried to pull them up but no matter what I did the crotch stayed about mid-thigh. I tugged and tugged. I waddled to my mom’s room. I pulled up my skirt to show her the problem.

“Oh, well that happens sometimes. Here,” she said, grabbing the waistband of the pantyhose and lifting me off the ground and giving me a good shake up and down until the crotch was approximately where it should be. “Better?” she asked.

“Yes, but what do I do when I have to go to the bathroom?”

“I’d recommend staying away from liquids. Off you go.”

I thought I looked sophisticated as I strutted down the hallway at school. At recess, my confidence took a precipitous downward spiral. My little red balloon of fashion happiness popped when one of the mean girls pointed at my legs and said, “Oh, my god, look at all that hair. Gross!”

I looked down at my legs. My pelt was plastered against the mesh of my pantyhose. I was indeed a hairy beast. A crowd gathered and the public shaming was complete. I went home, my head low. “I have a pelt on my legs and the other girls made fun of me. I need to shave my legs and I don’t know how.”

My mother took me by the hand and showed me how. It was a bloody, brutal affair and still is some days, but finally I was clean-shaven and my legs did feel nice and smooth. Shaving wasn’t so bad, I thought, until I discovered that by the next morning the pelt had returned. Something had evidently gone terribly wrong. I raced to the kitchen where my mother was cooking breakfast. I pointed at my legs. “It’s back!”

“What’s back?” my mother said, handing me a plate of bacon.

“The pelt! It’s back. I thought we got rid of it.”

“Oh, honey. It doesn’t work like that. You have to do it on a regular basis. And…” she stared down at my calves, “in your case, daily. We come from a hairy family. Look at your father’s knuckles. It can’t be helped.”

I ate my bacon and shot dirty looks at my father. “Did I do something wrong?” he asked my mother.

“Don’t mind her,” my mother said. “She’s just being moody.”

“It’s your fault I have a pelt,” I said, jabbing my greasy bacon finger at him.

“Pelt?” he asked.

“She shaved her legs yesterday for the first time,” my mother explained. “She’s a bit on the hairy side.”

“Well, just be glad you don’t have a beard,” my father said, folding his newspaper and leaving the room.

“Why would I have beard?” I asked.

“That comes later, dear. No need worrying about it now. Off you go.”

I wouldn’t find out about the beard until I hit menopause but that’s another story for another time.

Only love can satisfy a hungry heart

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IN SEARCH OF THE ELUSIVE

We’ve got a woodchuck problem again this summer. Last summer we had three woodchucks living under our house. I researched and discovered the solution was fox urine. You sprinkle the stinky stuff around your house and the woodchucks pack their bags and skedaddle. I used a whole bottle last year, which meant we needed more. This sent Layce and I to Atwood’s Farm Supply store.

I walked in and saw the cashier was available for questions. I asked, “Could you tell me where the fox urine is located?

“The what?” the young cashier asked, her face a mask of confusion as if she thought the question might be a joke. As if we, two women in a farm supply store, would joke about such a thing. Fox urine is no joking matter.

“Fox urine, you know, you use it to get rid of woodchucks,” I said.

“Woodchucks?”

Oh, my, this wasn’t going well. “They look like mini-beavers and one of them has taken up residence in my garden shed. Some people call them land beavers. They’re kind of cute but I don’t need another pet,” I said.

“We don’t have urine for sale,” the girl said.

I try another thing on my list. “Do you have dehumidifying crystals? We have a moist closet.”

“A moist closet?”

“A moist closet and a woodchuck,” I repeated.

“We don’t have that either,” she answered too quickly—an indicator that she’d like us to go away.

“Let’s just look around,” Layce said. She was squeezing the orange candy circus peanuts. I’ve been craving them. I saw it as a sign of love that she was searching for the freshest ones.

We went hunting for fox urine on our own. No luck. I went one way to find help. Layce went another. I found a clerk. “Do you know where the fox urine is?” I asked. The young man looked at me like I might not be right in the head.

Another clerk came around the corner with Layce in tow. “Do you where we keep the fox urine?” the other clerk asked my clerk.

My clerk said, “What’re the odds, two women looking for fox urine?”

“Do I know you?” I asked Layce.

“Not unless you’ve found the fox urine.”

“You know, why don’t you go ask Rod in the gun department,” the clerk said. “He’ll know.”

As we made our way to the gun department, I said, “We’ve got most of the store talking about fox urine. It’s like a scavenger hunt.”

Layce said, “Do you think it’s weird that a man named Rod is working in the gun department? You know, how mobsters call their guns a rod?”

“It would be weirder if Rod worked in the fishing department,” I said.

“Or if Rod was a porn star,” Layce countered.

Rod, in the gun department, was delighted by our question. “We don’t carry fox urine, but you can order it online.”

“How exactly do they collect the urine from the fox?” I asked. I imagined foxes peeing in cups.

“I don’t rightly know. What are you looking to get rid of?” he asked.

“A woodchuck,” Layce replied.

“You know, they make leather shoelaces and banjos out of woodchuck hides,” he said.

“The surgeon, who operated on my mom, told me she put herself through medical school selling coon hides. She’d get fifty or sixty of them a week,” Layce added.

“There’s good money in coon hides,” Rod said.

“You’re telling me,” Layce said. “They paid for her medical school.”

I was getting a serious Silence of the Lambs vibe. All this talk of hides was making me nervous. “We’ll get it online,” I said. “I just want the woodchuck to go way, not make shoelaces or banjos out of its hide.”

“You know, coyote urine works even better,” Rod said.

“Right,” I said. “Next question. Do you have any…”

Layce pulled me away. “I don’t think now is a good time to mention our humidity problem.”

“Probably not.” I could see Rod from the gun department suggest we find some other weird substance online to solve our moist closet problem. (I found out later that you can get dehumidifying crystals at Lowes.)

When we got home Layce went online and ordered a 16 ounce bottle of coyote urine. We were set. In two days time we would be rid of the woodchuck. I dribbled coyote urine all around the shed. Within a day the woodchuck was gone. So were all the squirrels and cats.

The downside? I haven’t been able to use the shed because it stinks of pee. Alas, I should’ve just learned to live with the woodchuck. Lesson learned.

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DANCING LESSONS

My dancing career began with my shriek of indignity. I remember the moment vividly when my mother told me it was time to learn some “lady skills.” I had no idea what she was talking about as I jammed my hands in my little boy Toughskins jeans. I had to wear a dress at school, but when I got home off came the dress and the Mary Janes and on went the scuffed Converse sneakers and Toughskins. Think female Huck Finn.

I was a savage who’d just been told she was registered to take tap lessons. Let me say that again… tap dancing lessons. Where you do things with your hands and feet at the same time to the beat of the music. Needless to say, it was a disaster–a first-class disaster. Under the spotlights wearing a pink dress, Mickey Mouse ears, and shiny, black tap shoes, I single-handedly ruined the dance recital.

My mother’s next idea was ballet. Another pink outfit with funny shoes. I learned three positions, then I hurt my toe and my teacher left town. I don’t think it was because of me.  My mother gave up and let me take Karate lessons. I learned how to kick my brother in the balls using a reverse front kick, I’m not certain that is an actual thing, but it worked. I loved Karate.

My next dancing lesson came along when I started going to clubs where people danced, except I couldn’t dance. My friends tried everything to teach me.

“Move your hips. You need to loosen up,” was followed by, “And swivel your knees. You have to move your feet, too.” To be followed by, “You’ve got to stop staring at your knees when you dance and swing you arms around, you’re all stiff-looking.” Needless to say I don’t dance—period. Okay, when I’m alone in the kitchen listening to music I dance, but no one can see me.

So when Em thought she could teach me how to waltz, I laughed the laugh of the all-knowing. “No, you can’t. Believe me.”

“Come on, let’s try it,” she said. “Please.”

“All right, but I’m telling you right up front, it’s impossible to teach me how to dance so don’t be disappointed.”

“Everyone can dance,” Emma said. She put out her arms and I took her hands. “Just follow me. Do what I do at the same time. We’re going to make a box.”

We made a box all right. She made her box and I made my box in the opposite direction. She stared at me. “How did you manage that?”

“It’s harder than it looks. I make it look easy,” I replied.

“Let’s try it again. Okay, one, two, three, four. Make a box. Just follow my feet.”

The problem was that she was going one way and I was supposed to go the other. We tried again. I did the backup part and then the other way around. Either way, back or front, I couldn’t get it.

“It’s because our feet are facing each other, so my feet think I should do what your feet are doing. See, you move your foot forward and I do the same thing and step on your foot,” I said.

“Why do you do that?” She was still trying to waltz. My feet just stumbled along with her.

“I’m on the wrong side of a black hole. On my side, everything is the opposite. That’s part of my right/left problem.”

Em stopped dancing. She dropped my hands. “You’re right, you can’t dance.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Laughter is the best medicine!

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WHO IRONS ANYMORE?

“What happened to your shirt?” Layce asked.

We were standing in line at Starbucks awaiting coffee. I was standing in front of her and blissfully pretending the whole thing had never happened—the power of magical thinking.

I sighed, looked around, and whispered, “I had an ironing mishap.” I didn’t want to go into the gory details. It was a brand new shirt. Much to my chagrin it wrinkled after washing. This new shirt was going to be a problem. I could tell already.

“It looks all burnt and melted,” Layce said.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, keeping my voice low. We were three people from the front. If I could keep her distracted, the ironing discussion could be waylaid. “Look at that nice dog sitting under that woman’s table.”

Layce glanced at the dog and then went on again about the shirt. “How’d you melt it?”

“I didn’t melt it. The fabric is just like that.”

She kept staring at it. “Okay, it was wrinkled, so I ironed it. The iron was E-V-I-D-E-N-T-L-Y too hot and melted the shirt. I really think we have a defective iron. The dial is really sketchy. I mean why can’t it just say this is too hot for this shirt.”

“It’s still wrinkled.”

“I stopped ironing after I melted it.”

“It’s like a perfect triangle.”

“I’m aware of that.” It was our turn. “I’ll have a cappuccino.” I was never so glad to talk to a barista in my life. Layce ordered a latte and we sat down awaiting our order.

“I’ve never known anyone who melted a shirt before.”

“I do not come from a family of ironers. We do not iron in the Bennett household. If your shirt is wrinkled that’s just the way it is. I didn’t even know we had an iron until I was twenty-two. My first girlfriend tried to teach me how to iron and I broke a Waterford glass. And I don’t want to go into the details.”

Our order was ready. I went up and got it. Or should I say we, me and my melted shirt, went to get the coffees.

“Why are you wearing the shirt if you don’t want to talk about how you melted it?” Layce asked as I set the coffees down.

“I felt I had to own my mistake and warn other non-ironers that irons are evil. Some are defective, and some have confusing dials, and that you should get other more skilled people to iron your wrinkled shirts. That’s why.”

“That’s very considerate of you.”

“I feel it’s my social responsibility to warn people of the vagaries of ironing.”

“It’s still a nice shirt…if you don’t look at the back of it.”

“Thank you. Now can we stop talking about it?”

COMING SOON!

It’s almost time to get your laugh on!

A new romantic comedy by Saxon & Layce

SAFETY CAPTAIN

“You shouldn’t do that,” Layce said.

“Why not? Brushing your teeth for three whole minutes is like being dropped into place where time has truly stopped and it’s not a good place. It’s a tedious and long and boring location.”

“You could puncture your soft palate,” she said, nonchalantly.

That got my attention. I was rocking back and forth on my Indo Board pretending I was snowboarding and working on my senior balance skills. And brushing my teeth. The image of my palate being impaled by my Oral B electric toothbrush was an ugly one. I pulled the toothbrush out of my mouth and gingerly stepped off the board.

(okay, I wasn’t wearing heels)

“You’re not setting a good example. As the official Safety Captain, I say you should refrain from doing unsafe things,” Layce said.

“I’m safe. I’m safe all the time,” I said indignantly. Then I decided she was right. I didn’t tell her that, but I did examine my safety habits and took notes. See below:

I do sometimes get dressed on the way down our two flights of stairs, pulling a sweater over my head as I navigate up or down the stairs. I admit to occasionally texting while descending the stairs. I also don’t turn the light on in the morning, which means I go down the stairs under low light conditions without the benefit of a first cup of coffee. Good way to break my neck.

I was vacuuming and something got caught in it. I did not unplug it from the wall before I went digging around in it. Good way to lose a finger.

I fell in the pond because I was standing on rock and it tipped. Overreach on an unstable surface. Good way to drown.

I ordered Mrs. Patmore’s Pudding Black Tea and when I cut the box top I drew the blade toward me. Good way to sustain a wound to an internal organ.

If I caught Layce or Em doing any of the above activities they would be lectured on the importance of safety. I am a safety hypocrite. Do as I say, not as I do. That really should be on the Seven Deadly Sins list.

Needless to say, I don’t use my Indo Board while brushing my teeth. Three minutes is a very long time, but safety first.

The first book in a four-part series!

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