No matter what they say about diamonds, it’s panties that really are a girl’s best friend. You should always wear panties. You should always wear clean panties in case you get in an accident as mothers will always tell you. And buying new panties is as good as getting your hair cut or buying new shoes.
Emma had just discovered all of the above, excepting the accident. She is going on her first long distance trip sans parents. She is going to spend a whole week in Biloxi, Mississippi with the Science Club. Layce took Emma to the store for a bra and panty run, saying, “Other people judge you by the condition of your undergarments. You don’t want them to think you are raggedy-ass poor white trash.”
I came home to find Layce and Emma awash in new under things. The array of colors and patterns were amazing. Gone are the white granny panties and dull bras—brash neon and polka dots had taken their place.
“Look at this, now see how this fits under my tank top, just a dash a pink and feel how soft this is,” Emma said, walking toward me in a bright pink sports bra. I backed up.
“Wow, you won’t get lost in a crowd in that thing,” I said.
“She won’t be wearing it like that in a crowd,” Layce said. “Will you?”
“Some of the girls just wander around in them,” Emma said.
“But you won’t,” I said, feeling like an utter hypocrite as I used to wander around in shorts and a sports bra when my boobs were where they originally were supposed to be and my stomach had the nubile glow of youth.
“I won’t.” Emma sighed. She went to her room and came out wearing a different bra. “And look at how I can move around and everything stays where it’s supposed to. Isn’t that amazing?”
“Truly,” I said. “Whoever invented sports bras was a saint and should be canonized.”
“And my panties fit just perfect.” She brought out the panties. “They’re boy shorts—see they have this fake pocket thing.”
“I never did understand that part,” I said. I got my computer out. I Googled, “Who invented sports bras?”
Emma took her panties back to her room.
“Wow, I wish I was that excited about my panties,” I said, waiting for Google to come up with the answer about the bras.
Emma came out again. “You know the other thing about good new bras and panties?”
“I do not,” I said.
“They just make you feel…more confident. Like you can do anything.”
“Like fly?” I said.
She rolled her eyes and went back into her room.
Layce glanced over at me. “I bought new panties too.”
“You did?” I said. “Let me see them.”
“Maybe later. If you’re a good girl,” Layce said with a wink.
Okay, now I was excited about the arrival of new panties in our house.
“I heard that!” Emma yelled from her room. “Do you two have to be so gross?”
**The first sports bra was invented in 1977 by Lisa Lindahl and Polly Smith who sewed two jock straps together. There is a bronze version of it in the Smithsonian.
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