I threw another twenty-four pack of birthday candles in the shopping cart. I did the math because I hadn’t done it the first time which was why I needed another pack of candles.
“I thought you already bought birthday candles,” Layce said as she picked up the ingredients for my birthday cake—red velvet.
“I did,” I said as I studied the picture of the cake on the box. Who knew it would took fifty years to find the love of my life – Layce, not the cake – and then to fall madly in love with red velvet cake—something I have never even heard of until I moved south.
“So why do we need more? We already have two boxes of candles. I saw them in the drawer,” Layce said.
I didn’t say anything.
“Did Emma use them for an art project? I told her they were for your cake,” Layce said. She glanced over at me. I didn’t meet her eye. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
I sighed. “It’s like the hot dog bun thing. The wieners come in packs of ten but the buns come in packs of eight which means you have to buy two packs of buns in order for everyone to have for with their wiener. Birthday candles come in packs of twenty-four.”
“I don’t understand. What do wieners and buns have to do with candles?”
I could see I was going to have to spell it out for her. “The birthday candles come in twenty-four packs. I have two packs of birthday candles and in order to make 52 how many packs of candles will I need?” It sounded like one of Emma’s math word problems.
“Oh, I see,” Layce said, as comprehension crossed her face.
“Ouch!” Emma said, sticking her forefinger in her mouth. “Why didn’t you just buy two of those number candles?”
“Because,” I said, as I torched up the lighter we use to light gas grill, “It’s my birthday and I have earned every one of those candles and I want a f***ing inferno to celebrate them.”
“Maybe next year we could do the number candles,” Layce suggested. She was using the other grill lighter.
“We’ll never get them all lit in time,” Emma said, trying to light another match. “They’re already dripping wax on this side of the cake.
“Oh, yea of little faith,” I said, as I got the last candle going.
“Well, make a wish and blow quick,” Layce said.
I made a wish. I wanted to be rich and famous and have big tits and blond hair. Not really. I wished that everyday be filled with love and happiness. Then I blew. I put them all out in one enormous breath.
“Damn, I still got it,” I said, strutting around the kitchen.
“Yes, you do,” Layce said, waving the cloud of smoke away from her face.
There was a terrible shrieking noise. The smoke alarm kicked into gear.
“Wow, that’s never happened before,” I said.
“You never had 52 candles before either,” Layce said.
Check out my newest book!
“The funniest book of the year!” Layce Gardner
Available at Amazon!