The Massage

I hurt my back and went to the chiropractor—Dr. Snap-Crackle-Pop.    He asked questions and then had me lay on the table face down.

“So what exactly is wrong back there?” I said.

“You twisted your sacrum.”

“My what?”

“Sacrum.  Your tailbone.  The ligaments have been stretched and that’s why it hurts,” he said.  Snap-crackle-pop.

I groaned and gasped.

“Better?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said, thinking maybe by tomorrow and after four Aleve it would feel better.

Then he suggested massage therapy.

“Your insurance covers it and I think it will help.”

“More than the snap-crackle-pop?”   I asked.

“In addition to your adjustment,” he corrected me.

He introduced me to his massage therapist.  Her name was Kidole, which I learned later meant “fingers” in Swahili.  She was soft spoken and had a laid back New Age style.

I entered the candle-lit room.  There was soft music playing and it smelled like sandalwood.  She told me to take my clothes off.

“I’m married,” I said.

“That’s nice.  You can leave your panties on but not your bra.”

“How about my socks?”

“If that makes you feel more comfortable.”

“Lay under the sheet and take deep breaths, letting your body relax.” She left the room.

I decided to live large and removed my socks.  I got under the sheet and took deep breaths.

She knocked and came in which was a good thing as I was on the verge of hyperventilating from all the deep breathing.

“Now, relax like a limp doll.”  She started by rubbing my feet with oil.  I instantly regretted not checking to see if I had any sock fuzzies between my toes.  Were my heels in good shape or were they all dry and sand paper like?

“Are you relaxed?”

“Oh, sure.”

Now she was kneading my calves and running her forearm along my hamstrings.

Oh, God, I had shaved my legs the night before but by now I had five o’clock shadow.  How was I supposed to relax with all these hygiene issues floating around my head?

Then she went for my sacrum.   “I call this body work rather than massage.  I’m going to do pressure points.”

“Okay,” I said.

She pressed on my sacrum hard and I thought for sure I was going to fart.  At least there was the sandalwood incense.

“You’re really tight back here.”

“Sorry,” I said.  I couldn’t tell her I was flexing my butt muscles because I was afraid I was going to fart.  Fortunately it passed. She rubbed and pressed and gradually I felt better and now that she’d seen me at my worst – sock fuzzies, five o’clock shadow and potential flatulence – I was all right with this massage thing.

When it was over she said, “I think you should come back in two weeks and we’ll do more work.”

I nodded and made a mental note to shave in the morning, put lotion on my feet, and take a Gas-X before I came, then maybe I would relax and enjoy my next treatment.  As I left I recalled people saying having a massage is wonderful.  Did I miss something?

When I got home, Layce sniffed the air around me.  “You smell like perfume.   Why are you smiling?  Your T-shirt is on wrong side out and where are your socks?  I could have sworn you were wearing socks when you left the house.  Have you been cheating on me?”

“No!  I just got some body work done by a massage therapist.”

“Was there a happy ending involved?” Layce asked.

“No!” I said a little too loudly.  “She just gave me a massage.”

Layce sniffed me up and down.  “Really?  With body oils?  And you took off your clothes?  And you took off your socks?!”

Layce knew that taking off the socks could only mean one thing.  I never take my socks off, unless…

“You’re not going back,” Layce said.

“But my insurance covers it,” I whined.  “And the chiropractor ordered it.”

“I don’t care if God himself ordered it, you are not going back to her.  She’s nothing but a whore,” Layce said.

“Don’t be ridiculous.  She’s a licensed therapist.”

“You’re never going back,” Layce said and meant it.  “Nobody massages your buttocks but me.”

“I was thinking of you the whole time.”  I pulled her into my arms and kneaded her lower back.  “I learned things.  Want me to show you?”

“Only if you take your socks off.”

I didn’t remind her that I wasn’t wearing any.

More Than a Kiss

A new romantic comedy

by Saxon Bennett & Layce Gardner

Available now in ebook and print at Amazon!

 “An awesomely beautiful, funny, quirky, riot of a book!” ~SB

MTAK final cover_edited-2

8 thoughts on “The Massage

  1. As an Amazon Prime subscriber, I was offered the opportunity to borrow “More Than a Kiss” for free. Do you get any money for that? I’m happy to buy the book if not.

    I’m 15% of the way through the book and have laughed out loud at least 15 times. So I think this means, by some highly convoluted logic, that, if the laughs persist at the current rate, your book is 100% funny. Right?

    I just love your stuff, er, books. And blogs. Socks are highly underrated, btw.

    • Thanks so much for your kind comments. You made my day. Yes, we do get some money for borrows–I don’t know how much however. If you continue to laugh at this rate it would be awesome if you could post what you just wrote on Amazon. It helps to spread the word. Layce and I also have an email list layceandsaxon@yahoo.com we give away free stuff and let you know what’s coming up. Thanks so much for supporting your local lesbian author–baby needs new shoes. And you’re right about the socks.

      • Bought the book, posted a review at Amazon and tweeted a plug (I don’t have many followers, though. Sorry.)

        So I’m thinking that you guys need a Brangelina-type moniker: Saxce or maybe Layson. They both have double entendre possibilites and I’m all about making words say as many things as possible all at the same time.

        Keep up the great work! (I’m wearing my newly purchased multi-colored striped socks today. You?)

  2. Owls, that is so sweet of you! And thanks again. Now about those socks, I just got an awesome, incredibly weird set of six socks today as did Layce and Emma. The whole family has gone hog wild.

  3. I also borrowed this book as an Amazon Prime member, it was the first book I borrowed. So glad I did! It was sweet, touching, funny, & realistic. I laughed out loud more times than I can count and finished it in two sittings (only because I had papers to write and needed to sleep some). This is a book I MUST add to my physical collection and I cannot wait to read more! I am going to Tweet, Instagram, and Pin the book now, plus write a review! Thanks so much for writing it!

    • Lindsey, thanks so much for taking the time to tell us (Layce and me) not the “us” meaning myself and the turd I have in my back pocket that you enjoyed the book. And no worries we have two more books in the making. We (see above) had a lot of fun writing it. It makes me happy knowing that people are laughing. Thanks again!

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