Sixteen Candles (oops I mean 52)

Part one:

I threw another twenty-four pack of birthday candles in the shopping cart.  I did the math because I hadn’t done it the first time which was why I needed another pack of candles.

“I thought you already bought birthday candles,” Layce said as she picked up the ingredients for my birthday cake—red velvet.

“I did,” I said as I studied the picture of the cake on the box.  Who knew it would took fifty years to find the love of my life – Layce, not the cake  – and then to fall madly in love with red velvet cake—something I have never even heard of until I moved south.

“So why do we need more?  We already have two boxes of candles.  I saw them in the drawer,” Layce said.

I didn’t say anything.

“Did Emma use them for an art project?  I told her they were for your cake,” Layce said.  She glanced over at me.  I didn’t meet her eye. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

I sighed.  “It’s like the hot dog bun thing.  The wieners come in packs of ten but the buns come in packs of eight which means you have to buy two packs of buns in order for everyone to have for with their wiener. Birthday candles come in packs of twenty-four.”

“I don’t understand.  What do wieners and buns have to do with candles?”

I could see I was going to have to spell it out for her.  “The birthday candles come in twenty-four packs.  I have two packs of birthday candles and in order to make 52 how many packs of candles will I need?”  It sounded like one of Emma’s math word problems.

“Oh, I see,” Layce said, as comprehension crossed her face.

Part Two:

“Ouch!” Emma said, sticking her forefinger in her mouth.  “Why didn’t you just buy two of those number candles?”

“Because,” I said, as I torched up the lighter we use to light gas grill, “It’s my birthday and I have earned every one of those candles and I want a f***ing inferno to celebrate them.”

“Maybe next year we could do the number candles,” Layce suggested.  She was using the other grill lighter.

“We’ll never get them all lit in time,” Emma said, trying to light another match.  “They’re already dripping wax on this side of the cake.

cake

“Oh, yea of little faith,” I said, as I got the last candle going.

“Well, make a wish and blow quick,” Layce said.

I made a wish.  I wanted to be rich and famous and have big tits and blond hair.  Not really.  I wished that everyday be filled with love and happiness.  Then I blew.  I put them all out in one enormous breath.

“Damn, I still got it,” I said, strutting around the kitchen.

“Yes, you do,” Layce said, waving the cloud of smoke away from her face.

There was a terrible shrieking noise.  The smoke alarm kicked into gear.

“Wow, that’s never happened before,” I said.

“You never had 52 candles before either,” Layce said.

 

Check out my newest book!

loveMoonCOVER

“The funniest book of the year!” Layce Gardner

Available at Amazon!

9 thoughts on “Sixteen Candles (oops I mean 52)

    • Svetla, Unfortunately, my publisher is only doing it in an ebook format at the moment. I don’t know exactly what the future holds with them. I’ve started my own company Square Pegs Ink and we will be putting out a new book, we being my partner Layce Gardner, that is a joint venture, which will come out in March. So far as a paper book is concerned we are considering it. If you haven’t already signed up for our email list on the Contact Tab, I love it if you would that way we can keep you informed and you’ll be eligible for any freebies that come along. Thanks so much for leaving a reply.

      • Hello Saxon,
        Thank you for your answer. I have been following your blog, as well as that of your partner. I have and like all of your books (humorous ones I love) and as I can see from the sample, I would love this new one as well. But as my eyesight got worse during my chemotherapies, I have problems reading from a screen, so I’ll have to wait for paper edition. Reading from a screen is for me reading just in bits and pieces, to avoid a screaming headache – but I find it impossible to put aside your book, to read just a bit of it at a time…
        Svetla

    • Svetla, I just wanted to let you know that you were part of a group of fellow readers that made us decide to do our books (layce and I) in paper as well as ebook. The new book “More than a Kiss” is now available on Amazon. It’ll make you laugh which always makes a person feel better. Take care. Saxon

  1. Saxon, Hope you had a wonderful Birthday, you made me laugh with the story. Thank you for continuing to entertain us with your blogs, I enjoy them immensely. I can see your point about enjoying blowing out candles for every year you have lived but I also like the numbers idea. Hope you Lace and Emma have a wonderful festive season.

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